I just realized that every paper I had accepted so far in grad. school was written entirely by myself. Sure, others’ ideas are involved, and I sometimes base my code on theirs (although I invariably end up rewriting a good deal of it because it tends to be thrown together rather haphazardly), but I’m always the one reviewing the literature, putting the papers together, setting up and performing the experiments, and describing the results and some of their likely implications (I’ve become a very bold hypothesizer when trying to explain particular patterns in data; I think this is probably an important aspect of any sort of science). I’ve even had to explain the biological aspects of the research, which is quite silly, as we have actual biologists on the team.

But it works. Publication after publication. I was wondering when I would get research training, but I guess I have it already.

Being a common researcher isn’t enough, though. I need to figure out how to do great research with similar success. I can contribute more, but I need to figure out how – once again, on my own.

I wonder if my penchant for self-sufficiency is an aspect of my personality, or whether it is a consequence of my circumstances. I can’t really remember any time during my life when I had a significant degree of aid beyond the basic support that a family provides. I wonder what it would have done to my personality if I had? I’d probably be more compassionate, more willing to shield people from the relation between action and consequence (since I’ve borne the full brunt of that link, I view those who can’t grasp it as fundamentally immature). What situation would I be in? Would I shoot for the moon, requiring realization of my vision in an absolute sense?

Would it limit me? Could I still exceed the abilities of others if I had always relied upon them for help? Would I even have goals at all?

The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that my self-sufficiency is proper; that, in a sense, this is how to live an effective and rewarding life, whatever the hardships.

And that means that every time society forces me to rely upon myself, I grow stronger. If this is to be the theme of my life, I welcome it.