This is a 12-step guide for all of the researchers permanently stuck in primary integration out there. Here’s how to succeed without the obligation of forming an authentic personality:
1. Look at new papers to figure out what’s about to become hot.
2. Apply the standard techniques in this field to a new or understudied domain.
3. Find an eager young grad. student/fellow with ideas about a dissertation topic/research project.
4. Ignore said student’s ideas, unload your project onto him.
5. Eventually he will hit a roadblock that he can’t seem to get around. Tell him that what he is trying to do is impossible. (Otherwise, you’ll need to learn the subject enough to give him advice, which requires thinking).
6. A few weeks later, he’ll come back with a finished method. Tell him to write a paper on it. Stick your name on the paper. Tell him to keep going.
7. Once the method is complete, the student will start writing. Reviewing the drafts takes thought, so just ignore them.
8. If at any point the student gets close to completion, ask him some stock questions to keep him busy and tell him he needs to stay longer. (Warning signs: drafts exceed 100 pages, complete framework built around the new technique, work begins to be applied in actual practical applications, student gets restless, or job/marriage obligations arise…)
9. Repeat until grad. student suffers a nervous breakdown.
10. Copy and paste half of his draft into a grant application (do save them, even if you don’t read them – one needs material to get funded).
11. Recruit new student.
12. Repeat from step 1 until dead.